An Eternity On Hold


I would like to think that there is a special place in Hell

For the executive staff at GTE, and PacBell

And other organizations that I have no choice but to call

I say Damn them for eternity, Damn them One and All

If there is a Just God in Heaven, then  I might be so BOLD

As to suggest that these foul monsters spend eternity waiting on hold


If you are one of those demented, loathsome Customer Service Souls who helped set the system up

Watch out, It will be your turn soon and what you are serving now, will eventually be in your cup

It might be tomorrow or maybe in fifty years but sooner or later you will get run over by a bus

or die in a thousand ways just like the rest of us

And when it happens, when your time has come, my friend

You will find your self going through a long tunnel with a light and a telephone at the other end


A voice message with a difficult to understand accent will tell you that you May be allowed into Heaven,

Your choices are listed  One through 666 and it is never mentioned that the magic number is Seven

If you select Seven by accident you will be automatically disconnected three hundred times

before you can again gain access to the Main Heaven insure that you pay fully for your crimes

You lived your life, you made your choice

Now you will never hear again the sweet, sweet sound of a living Human voice.


So here is your Eternity, this is how it goes:

You have to LISTEN very carefully because it is a new Menu as everyone knows

Press Zero three times to be put straight through to an operator who does not speak your language

She will either transfer you to the voice mail of a disinterested third party or just ask stupid questions until you have turned purple in an uncontrollable rage.

And  then she will transfer you to a disinterested third party demon who gives you a new number to try.

You discover that the new number is no longer in service and you begin to cry

If you have a rotary phone you are flat out of luck, you are in trouble now, poor you

you can wait indefinitely because there are 1,274,336 calls in the queue

you are caller number 1,274,335

I bet you wish that you were still alive


To help while away the time, the hours, days. and years that you are going to meet your fate

You know, on hold, to be transferred, or passed around and wait

You are issued a computer, and every one is programmed just the same

No matter what you do or how often it is that you try, it is impossible to win a single solitaire game

Except that if you come really close, to winning if you please

At that very moment, the computer is guaranteed to freeze


Press One if you want Customer Service

If you phone crackles and smokes don’t get nervous

This is a good choice because in HELL the customer service is actually better as a rule

Than here on Earth because there they make no pretense that you are anything but a fool

Remember that due to the increased volume of Customer Service Execs going to Hell

It logically follows that your wait time increases exponentially.

But hey, If you get bored or angry, just Hang up, you know feel FREE


While you are holding, some time after the first thousand years

The worst has happened and the dilemma will bring you down to tears

You just heard a beep and you recognize that there is another call that you have to flip over and take

You know if you answer, it will be a wrong number for goodness sake

But if you don’t, you just might miss the one that will save your struggling soul

Your mind swirls with the beat of the music and the two minute infomercial on a Tupperware bowl

You choose to flip over and an ex-telemarketer turned demon, named Peter Purgatory reads from a script

He wants you to answer questions for a survey on sulphur and begs that you place an order so he

Can win a camping trip to the far side of the Hades pit.

The interrupting call you got was just exactly as you had expected

And of course when you flip back, yes… you have been disconnected


Press Two if you want the Billing Department

DISCONNECT NOTICE - Your neighbor has not paid his bill in the next door apartment

And Even though you have paid your bill we will still shut you off

Unless you can recite to us your social security number, drivers license, and your handicap at golf

Satan himself oversees this department personally, with the help of his department head

Betty Brimstone, worked in IRS collections when she passed on, she had a heart attack in bed

No matter what proof  of payment you can offer she will still insist that you pay exactly what you owe

And when you ask her how much it is, she will cheerfully explain that she really doesn’t know

You beg, plead, yell and scream, you threaten and tell your tale of woe but nothing will appease her

But trust me, you never, never, want to speak to her immediate supervisor


Press Three if you want Technical Support

Or have a repair problem to report

The message is barely audible and you’re not quite sure what button to press next

Touch Tone Roulette is always fun to play with no instruction book or supplementary text

but you hear the sound of a click that cuts you to the bone

Yes…Oh No…I think I hear the Dial Tone

When you finally get through the Tech says “TECHDEPTDEMONDANSPEAKINGPLEASEHOLD”

Back with the music, you are interrupted from time to time to be told

about the support on the website which does not work when you attempt to go there

The cursor on you screen locks up, your mouse will not move, and you are left hanging in the virtual air


Press Four, Five, or Six if you want to be put through to someone really Stupid.

You vacillated and finally picked  extension five,  I know you did

It doesn’t really matter which extension you choose

No one knows anything at any of these extensions, either way you loose

Before getting to any of these extensions you have to key in your account number

If you do not know your account number they can transfer you to someone even dumber

Let’s assume you put your number in and finally connect

The first thing they ask you is to give them your account number by heck


Once they are told your account number again

They look up your name but can’t find it, call back later, we will find it then

The catch is that since you are dead you no longer have a name like you used to do

You are only referred to the way that people remember just you

This means that you are now “That Bastard Who Ran the Help Desk”

A fitting description you will have to confess